Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
