I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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