How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is classic penis vs brain.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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