took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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