Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
