So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
