I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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