did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
