seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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