When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
