he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
