I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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