its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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