i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
