I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
