Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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