Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
