I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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