One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
