Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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