Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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