took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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