i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can you bring me the toilet please
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
