And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
