i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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