so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
