That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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