I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
