Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
