He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
