You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
