fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
