Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
