I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
