swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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