There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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