Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
