What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
