What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My balls are so social today.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
