I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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