you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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