You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
