I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
