She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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