Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
