if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
