You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
