my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
