I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
