this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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