she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
