if only i could text you this smell
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
why is half of my head shaved?
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