dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
