I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
